see not what I do...
20.2.05
- She was a phantom of delight
When first she gleam'd upon my sight;
A lovely apparition, sent
To be a moment's ornament. - William Wordsworth (1770 - 1850)
I know I am not just depressed because I can't order my new computer for two weeks... (I am not so obsessed with new technology)... I just feel like yelling, what the hell am I doing... This town sucks the life energy from your soul! Such melodramatic outbursts are useful at times like these.
- I started concentrating so hard on my vision that I lost sight.
- Robin Green
Where did all the pep go?
... It's several hours later in the evening now. My mood has not improved at all despite my attempts to lose myself in my work. I feel like I don't have any excuse for feeling low tonight. Maybe it is just because I'm lonely and I miss being loved. Is it wrong to miss just the feeling but not the person? It seems such an incredibly selfish and self-absorbed thing to say... but then I've felt incredibly self-obsessed since I've been single. It's hard to believe that it's been almost ten months that I've been without a boyfriend... without the loud and angry arguments, the bitterness, and all those other ugly feelings that had festered under the surface for almost the entire duration of my relationship and frequently spilled over. Funny thing though... I can't even be sure if it's been ten months or not. I can remember the exact beginning of my former relationship, but when it comes to remembering the end... the date is a mystery to me. One would think I would remember something like that... since I tend to remember so much of the ridiculous. As I was writing this Jason Mraz's "the boy's gone" was playing on my computer. If I were to be overly sentimental I would have to admit that the lyrics are prophetic in their own way...
What will happen to a face in the crowd when it finally gets too crowded.
And will happen to the origins of sound after all the sounds have sounded
Well I hope I never have to see that day but by god I know it's headed our way
So I better be happy now that the boy's going home. The boy's gone home.
I don't know what I'm moping about now. I don't go to bed in tears anymore because the boy was a bastard and said terrible things to deliberately hurt me... I don't try to please anyone doing things that I really don't want to do... I'm no longer chastised for my non-prostie (if you know who he was you know what a prostie is) views... I can knit whenever the hell I want... I can spend time with friends who actually enjoy my company and don't act like it is a chore to come and pick me up... With all this in mind I really have no right to be all dull and dreary. Nevertheless, I am still lonely despite all the good things about being single. But really, if I was in a good relationship all the things I say are good about being single would still be there. It's a lost cause right now anyhow, all of my introspections and my analyses won't really change anything. Another ten months will pass and I'll still have this mix of happpiness and loneliness. I just hope that ten months doesn't span out to ten years. I can't be without love for that long.
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