One more post from my little white beast of burden...

Just wanted to announce that after today there will be no more long distance calls with the beau. I will not be able to do with the phone altogether, as I will be a good daughter and telephone my parental units occasionally to let them know that I am alive and not living under a bridge.

I'm off for my last day of work and then back home again to finish packing.

This may very well be my last blog post from my little white beast of burden, as this laptop is going to be returned tomorrow. It was fun while it lasted... I got to test out Tiger and a tiny laptop and I've decided that one day when I can afford it I will get myself a little portable laptop like this to do my little bits of internet surfing while I'm traveling or away from my main computer.

Considering that I'm moving tomorrow I'm relatively zen. But I suppose it is because I'm tired and I'm not really allowing myself to be worried that I'm only partially packed. I've only packed a portion of my books now and I still have to pack my assorted jackets (which I kind of forgot about since it's only the beginning of the summer and I've forgotten what snow can be like) and other miscellaneous bits and pieces from around my room. This move is much different from my previous moves though... I've seen the place that I'm moving into and I don't have to worry too much about leaving some items behind. I know that I don't have space for everything I own in the "new" apartment and the vehicle that I'm using to move probably won't hold it all either. Needless to say, there's still quite a bit of packing left for me to complete tomorrow. But I'm too tired to deal with any of that now. I still have to go to work tomorrow and I think I'll have to miss the celebratory final luncheon as I'd like to have my room packed up before Aryn arrives in the afternoon.

What would ever possess someone to become a professional mover? I've only ever had to move a couple roomfuls of stuff, I can't imagine what it would be like to have to move entire house worth. But I suppose if it's not your own it might be easier to just pack up and go... there would be none of this iingering over items that you hadn't looked at for a while.

Friday afternoon I should be in the city. But for now I'm going to sleep.

Tonight, while I make half-hearted attempts to pack, I have been pausing to read the introduction to The Decisive Moment by Henri Cartier-Bresson. It's interesting to read what he has written about photography, not only because this man is considered one of the masters of photography but also because photography as an artform has changed. This is not unlike other artforms, as tastes in music, painting, fashion, dance have all changed or evolved over time. However, our change in tastes does not necessarily discount the classification of past works as art... nor does our awe and respect of past works discount the classifications of new work as art. But is there really such a clear distinction between old and new? Is our work ever really totally original? Is it wrong that sometimes our photos are contrived or manipulated?

All these questions can be answered in both simple and complex terms. I don't feel like bothering with either answer at the moment. I don't think either answer would suffice.

Tonight I am doing what I do best... which of course consists of a lot of sitting and procrastinating on the computer. I did come home with full intentions to start/continue my packing, but I was delayed by several things which have led to my current position in the living room in front of the soft manufactured breeze of an oscillating fan. It's quite nice, I highly recommend it. My breeze therapy has allowed me to finish reading "Boy - Tales of Childhood" by Roald Dahl, which I started reading this morning during my break at work. This book, in addition to my dinnertime reading of the current issue of Beautiful Itineraries (formerly Bella Italia) magazine and my recent return from Vancouver has left me feeling rather dull and ordinary. My biography is rather plain. Although I am excited by my upcoming move, I must admit that I am a little unimpressed with the city that I am moving to. Spending a week in beautiful Vancouver has only highlighted all the things that Edmonton does not have. However, I know it is not wise to approach transition to a new place in a negative way. This move will be good for me, and Vancouver can always be visited or moved to in the future when I can actually afford it.

This move marks not only a change of location, but hopefully the opportunity to pursue photography in a more serious manner in addition to the token additional schooling so that I can sustain my vital signs when I do not have clients banging on my door. The pursuit of a more career path that is fueled by more creativity than defined schedule and salary is a difficult one, but one that I am sure will have it's own rewards... like that certain kind of stylish poverty that we all strive for.

The last section of Dahl's book contained an interesting musing about the differences between his early career working for Shell and his later career writing fiction. Considering my hope to find more photographic work, I found the situation he described oddly comforting.

I enjoyed it, I really did. I began to realize how simple life could be if one had a regular routine to follow with fixed hours and a fixed salary and very little original thinking to do. The life of a writer is absolute hell compared to the life of a businessman. The writer has to force himself to work. He has to make his own hours and if he doesn't go to his desk there is nobody to scold him. If he is a writer of fiction he lives in a world of fear. Each new day demands new ideas and he can never be sure whether he is going to come up with them or not. Two hours of writing fiction leaves this particular writer absolutely drained. For those two hours he has been miles away, he has been somewhere else, in a different place with totally different people, and the effort of swimming back into normal surroundings is very great. It is almost a shock. the writer walks out of his workroom in a daze. He wants a drink. He needs it. It happens to be a fact that nearly every writer of fiction drinks more whisky than is good for him. He does it to give himself faith, hope and courage. A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.

--
from Boy - Tales of Childhood
Copywright © 1984 by Roald Dahl

Considering my age (although I'm not old) I have worked in a fair number of jobs, all with varying levels of responsibility and freedom. I must admit that the jobs I've enjoyed the most were the positions that granted me the greatest amount of freedom, creative or otherwise. It's quite difficult for me to work in positions where I feel stifled by bureacracy or limited by the focus of an organization. I have a bit of entrepreneurial spirit in me, although I will admit that I am the type of entrepreneur that needs a business manager because I am rather terrible at that end of things. I'd like to be able to achieve my goal of one day being able to set up a photography studio... and take portraits for a living. Photography has become more than just a hobby for me. Although I took lots of photos will I was in Vancouver, I never felt satisfied. I wanted a bit more control over time... my photos always felt a little rushed.

It seems odd... in this post I started out by complaining that my life was too dull, but now I'm wishing that moments of it could be slowed down a little. But what can I say, I'm a complex individual (and perhaps I'm also a bit of an individual with a complex).

I've returned from my trip and I'm enduring the scorching heat with the rest of the world. It's crazy hot out. I have loads and loads to get done over the next couple of days... since I will be moving on Friday. But who really wants to pack when it is so hot outside. I'd rather be in the pool where it is nice and cool.

My summer schedule is going to be crazy. I'll be back and forth between Edmonton, the islands and Fort St. John... but I will miss every single Folk Fest. It's a little disappointing because there are many artists that I would like to see, like Sarah Harmer, David Gray, Feist, Bedouin Sound Clash, Broken Social Scene... but I will be in transit for both the Edmonton and Calgary festivals. Oh well, there is always next year... and I'm sure that I will get my chance to go see concerts throughout the year.

However, I'm running on a tight schedule here and I need to eat some dinner before I figure out my packing procedure.

I've been up since six, unable to sleep... unwilling to believe that it is Friday already and my mini vacation is almost over. I won't quite say that it has been a whirlwind trip, but I still feel like there are things that I haven't seen yet and still need to see. Everything always feels a little rushed when you're visiting. It would be nice to be able to slow down and go back to some of the places I've passed by and get to photograph them properly, but there's always something else to do.

Next week is going to be a busy one. It's the last week of work, I have a ton of packing to do and those last minute things to organize my life in Fort St. John before I leave there. But before I know it... the summer will be over and I'll be back to school in the fall.

Where does the time go?

Speaking of which... I have to start getting ready, I want to get a good vantage point to photograph the closing ceremonies.

I'm a bad sister... I was in transit yesterday and I neglected to call to wish my sister a happy birthday.

will she ever forgive me?

I'm finishing packing while listening to cheesy music on the radio (Corey Hart, Never Surrender). Very soon I'll be off to Vancouver for the World Urban Forum and lots of photography.

Here's to an enjoyable flight and good weather. I don't know if there is a way to write Bon Voyage in a self-reflexive way, but if there was I would write it.

Tomorrow I'll be in Vancouver... walking around looking for photos to take. The first thing I'll be doing is buying a map and maybe even looking for a larger camera bag. I haven't quite decided yet. But tomorrow won't arrive until today is over, so I suppose I should get my act together and get dressed.

Have an excellent Friday.

I don't care if the summer solstice is not until the 21st. The season has officially started for me. I have just received my first two mosquito bites of the year. I was hoping to avoid all that.

I'm getting my fill of major sporting events through roundabout ways lately. Last night I went to sleep with the sounds of the World Cup, which my brother had recorded using his HDTV satellite receiver and then transferred to DVD for my father and younger brother to watch. I had my window open and I coul hear the sounds of the cheering crowd as I drifted off to sleep.

Tonight I was on the phone with Aryn and at one point in the conversation spontaneous cheering broke out in the distance. It was loud. The entire block of apartments seemed to be going crazy. It being game night I had a feeling that it meant that the Oilers had won.

I found the parallels between the two experiences rather amusing. Here I am, not an avid fan of either sport (although I can name more soccer players than I can hockey players) but despite my best efforts the sound of sport does not escape me.

Today I decided to break in a new pair of shoes (purchased on sale of course) in preparation for my Vancouver trip. The shoes are pretty red leather flats (yes I wear leather) and add a nice bit of colour to my wardrobe. Once summer arrives I rarely wear any type of footwear that encloses my entire foot... this results in a toughened sole but a rather delicate portion of skin on my back heel. However, this morning I grossly misjudged how sensitive this skin is and I chose to wear these shoes for my morning constitutional.

This was the result after a ten minute walk to work.


For the sake of common decency I am not showing you the naked blisters, because they are as gross to look at as they are painful. And I use plural because I had multiple blisters on each foot. Luckily my coworker leant me her vehicle and I was able to go home at recess to switch my shoes for flipflops. I'm thinking that to break these babies in I'll just have to wear them with socks around the house. Maybe by fall they'll be comfortable enough to walk in. I'm forgetting about taking them to Vancouver because I'd rather not have to deal with broken feet. Instead I'll slow down my pace a bit and just keep with my regular open back footwear.

The hellmouth was open again today and we had a second day where the little hellions felt right at home. But I tell myself only two more days of work this week...

Today was sinfully hot.

Hot like hell if you get my drift. It was almost a punishment to be outside. I'm not complaining though, I just wish that I had brought a hat with me.

This week is disappearing so quickly. I don't know where the time is going, but before I know it I will be back on a plane... this time headed for Vancouver for a combination educational experience and pre-move vacation. It can be really hard for me to justify all my comings and goings over the past six months, since in the past I was lucky if I made it fifteen minutes out of town. But this trip is really going to be worth it. It's really just a mini excursion, but should afford me plenty of opportunity to indulge in some architectural photography... something which I don't get a lot of.

I'll admit that back in January the idea of another long distance relationship was not the most enticing one. However, thanks to all the visits that Aryn and I have managed to fit in, our months spent apart have not been so bad at all. Or at least I've forgotten the more dreary bits. June was supposed to be the worst month... I never really got to the point of considering July until I made plans to move... but so far it has turned out to be the best. We've already had one visit so far, and with the Vancouver trip things are just doubly and infinitely better. However, I am gushing and recently I read an article that one should avoid writing stuff that is just boring, which this is.

In other news related to my post title, this afternoon I took it upon myself to start altering a sundress that my mother's mother gave to her, but it was too short for my mama and wouldn't fit my other sisters so I ended up with it. Anyhow, some careful stitch ripping later and I'd removed the sleeves and the collar and was ready for my crude attempts at dress alterations. I have very little skill when it comes to sewing, but I somehow manage to muddle myself through the process, although my attempts are always very crude and a real seamstress/tailor would laugh at my stitching in a very scornful way. Tomorrow I'll have to finish with the final stitching, so far all I've done is do a little cutting and some basting. My mother has suggested that I use bias tape but methinks that's too labour intensive. The dress wasn't that great in the first place and I just really want it to lounge about in during the summer. Perhaps one day I'll really learn how to sew and put the sewing machine (a much requested Christmas gift from a few years ago) to good use.

There are the occasional days when I find myself with a surplus of energy. This weekend was a little like that. Aryn told me that I had deceived him and he wondered what happened to the girl who was quite frequently tired.

Well, she's back.

After one day back at work I have come home feeling a good fifteen years older than I felt over the weekend. It's unfortuante that this feelling has returned because it is most unwelcome. I have certain things that I have planned to accomplish in the evenings but right now even typing this blog post is a chore as my eyes are struggling to stay open. This sleepy feeling that takes over my body after work wouldn't be such a problem if I didn't set myself so much to get done in the evenings. My phtoography is taking up more and more time, but when it takes several hours after work to recoup from a day spent with a variety of angels, demons, and hell spawn... I'm usually left with little time to sit down and seriously work on what I need to get done.

Bad metaphor alert... life can be like a game of snakes and ladders, sometime you are able to skip many steps and get closer to your goal but then something happens to send you sliding down... farther away from the end you have in mind. At work there is a giant snakes and ladder game painted on the ground... whenever I see it I think about the never ending complexities and challenges we face.

I keep on getting closer and closer to my eventual moving date. The months have passed by quickly but as I get closer to the actual departure to the new city, I'm starting to have difficulty thinking about how my life will change. I didn't before... it was very easy to picture things in the long term sense. For the time being I've just stopped thinking about it. I'm more concerned with the present, although right now I'm even kind of ignoring that.

I have a feeling that tonight is going to be an early night for me. I'm probably just reeling from my weekend away. I did not really go sightseeing in Kamloops (I don't really know what sights there are to see), but all the visiting and meals made for a rather busy weekend. This little trip reminded me why I like traveling so much. It's nice to go places as a visitor because you can sit and observe and there usually isn't a problem because that is what is expected from you (depending on who and were you are visiting of course). I was surrounded by people I didn't know and I was very much the outsider, but I didn't mind. I distanced myself from it all and pretended like it was all one giant photo opportunity, regardless of whether I had my camera on me or not.

perhaps next week in Vancouver will be a similar experience. I just hope that I have regained my energy by then.

I'm heading off to bed now after an activity filled weekend in Kamloops... having just met Aryn's family and attended his sister's convocation all in one fell swoop (apologies to my own sisters whose respective convocations I am unable to attend). I'm a little too tired to go into the trip in detail... and judging from my recent failures to come back and describe more about things, I probably won't have much more to say other than I had a good time.

I only have a few more weeks left before I move, and close to ten days of that is going to be spent in Vancouver. My new lenses are in my possession and I spent a fair bit of time getting used to using them. They are a nice addition to my growing list of equipment. But I really need to try to sleep.

Today after work I'm off to Kamloops to meet with the parental and sibling units of my beau. I'm steeling my nerves in anticipation of being perceived as less than adequate for the prince-like only son.

But should things go awry I will be able to hide behind my camera and new lenses.

Unrelated... my brother showed me this little clip of The Evolution of Dance a couple of nights ago. It's a little long, but worth the watch, especially the section about the twist because that is exactly how my father pretends to dance and my siblings and I have picked those moves up too.

However, I must go pack.

I'm gearing up (in more ways than one) for my upcoming trips to Kamloops and Vancouver. I plan to photograph up a storm with my new lensies that I've acquired thanks to a recent contest win (my first) and an upcoming wedding shoot. I'm most pleased and excited. I'll be meeting up with a group of Vancouver photographers (Vandigicam) while I'm in the city... and basically just getting to explore the city in a way that I haven't before. We used to spend part of our summers in Vancouver, but I'm sure the last time we made that sort of trip was almost 17 years ago. I've been back to the city several times since, but only for a limited period of time and never with my camera. I don't know if Aryn is psychologically prepared with the amount of photography that is going to be taking place for the week that we are there for the World Urban Forum. I'm going to have to clear some space off of my computer so that I always have fresh cards for the next day.

I really cannot wait to try out my new lenses. I wish that I was near a camera store that actually carried a wide selection of lenses so I could go and see them in person (but fear not, I did a lot of research before finally deciding what to invest in). Luckily for me, however, Aryn does live near such stores and was a true prince and acted as my proxy in the acquisition of this new equipment. Ever the faithful messenger, he is channeling Hermes and will carry to me my new lensies when we meet up next week.

I seem to be in a perpetual state of photographic lust... dreaming of the locations where I will soon be visiting and somewhat ignoring my current surroundings. I just need a change of location. I'm not as inspired in this northern city at the moment. But when you've lived in this place for as long as I have, sometimes it becomes difficult to see any beauty even in the disarray and decay. Perhaps if I tried harder I could, but I don't feel like making the effort, especially because I know I'm going to be in Vancouver for more than a week... and I know I'm going to be in Victoria again this summer... and I know I'm going to Salt Spring and Lasqueti. It can be foolish to always be thinking that someplace else is better than where we are right now, but for the time being I don't really see much harm in my looking forward to taking pictures someplace else.

However, it's quite nice outside today so I think I'm going to leave my post in the living room and indulge in a little sunlight out of doors with a book.

Some days when I come home from spending an entire day around children I feel old. Today was not one of those days. Instead I'm feeling rather young and spritely. My class went on a field trip today, to visit a spawning channel and basically just enjoy a Friday away from the classroom. On events like this I have a chance to try out different techniques when working with my behaviour students. As all of my students are moving on to junior high next year they are getting a little tired of having their "prison guard" by their side at all times. It's a bit of a catch 22 though, they don't want support and they start misbehaving and being non-compliant with me thinking I'll get tired of them. However, that only makes the situation worse because the worse their behaviour becomes the more present I have to be. Anyhow, today my students were all having good days so I was able to "set them free" (not that they were ever imprisoned except in their own minds) and observe them from afar. I think I enjoyed the break more than they did as I got a chance to interact with some of the other students in the class. I'm not all that much older than some of these kids... and when not faced with behaviour issues I get treated a bit more like a big sister than like big prison matron.

This period of prepubescence is short lived... and I have really enjoyed this year of interacting with these students before they really started demonstrating the typical teenager attitude. For their sake I hope that some of these kids don't really change too much as they grow into adults. A couple of the girls in particular are quite affable and aggreable and it would be a shame if they were to acquire nasty little attitudes in a couple years. Maybe it's the mother hen/earth goddess/sister moon/feminista in me, but I feel a certain amount of protectiveness over these girls (maybe I should become a girl scout leader and give self esteem talks around the campfire). I had taken my camera along with me to document the field trip for the class and some of the students asked me to take their pictures as they've seen some of my work before. We can be so critical of our image no matter what the age, but I remember being twelve and teetering on that edge of hyper image consciousness and relative ignorant bliss. It was so refreshing to me that the two girls whose portraits I took were able to look at their photos and not be critical of what they saw. When I told them that I could give copies of the pictures I took of them (I took maybe five each) they were so pleased. This little exercise made me think more about how I want to develop my portraiture work especially working with children. I would have loved to be able to incorporate portraiture in a lesson with these students, taking a portrait of each child and having them write about the feelings that the photo elicited (how they might have felt when the photo was being taken and how they felt now looking at the photo). It would be an interesting way to explore the concepts of image and self esteem. I'm thinking of asking the parents of these students if they would allow me to take some more portaits of their daughters. I'm thinking of this in sort of a dual track... as a way for me to drum up some more material for my portfolio and some more business, and also a chance to maybe give these girls a little opportunity to preserve that time in their life when things are not quite as confusing as they might become.

quite often I try to make things work and I swirl around in a frenzy of worry, ideas and solutions... my mind spinning like a centrifuge until I can achieve some clarity.

tonight was a little bit like that.

The past week has been a busy one. I haven't really had a chance to write in length about the several things that I wanted to write about. Tonight, however, seems like a perfect night to catch up... seeing that I am very nearly friendless in this town and I have also been ditched for the devil's game of Texas Hold'Em (one of many Lucifer approved recreational activities).

I got a chance this week to sit down with my wedding client to go over some of the details of the wedding and review what she (and her partner) were looking for in their photos. The meeting left me with a really nice feeling. I'm beginning to be much more comfortable in the role of payed photographer as compared to a hobbyist who does people favours. The wedding is still a couple of months away, but I am already getting anxious to take the pictures. Next week I'll be in Kamloop's to meet Aryn's family so I'll get the chance to start practicing with the new equipment I purchased with my prize money (winning photo seen here).

Tomorrow I'll be spending the day with my class out at a fish hatchery north of town. I've been told the outing is quite boring, but I'm hoping that the weather will be at least moderately nice so that we all can enjoy a day spent outside instead of cooped up in the classroom. You can really tell that it is getting close to the end of the year because nearly all of the students are on edge and the mood/behaviour swings are so erratic. I still enjoy my job though... and I will be a little sorry for it to end. After this year though I really do think that I would prefer working in another capacity within the education system. I've been oft quoted that I quite like the one-on-one aspect of my job, but I will admit that sometimes I wish that I were able to focus more on academics than behaviour. All students can benefit from increased support and I would leap at the chance to work in the capacity where I could help create more challenging curriculum for students who did not already face other challenges in their learning or behaviour. Some time in the future perhaps... in another city most likely...

But I'm getting a little frustrated right now. After dealing with some junk customer service this morning I've been trying to sort something out and despite my attempts to establish a communication link I'm being ignored. I give up. I'm going to bed.

here's to a better day tomorrow.