new jargon of tolerance: prosties and mormonskis
15.4.05In an effort to expand my vocabulary I subscribe to a few (yes only 3) word of the day mailing lists.
This was the word of the day from a.word.a.day. It was foreshadowing and I didn't pick up on it.
lat·i·tu·di·nar·i·an
adj.
- Holding or expressing broad or tolerant views, especially in religious matters.
I was in the middle of a brilliant sentence for my paper and I heard someone bodycheck the gate to open it, but I had thought it was only the dogwalker. But then the doorbell rang. The dogwalker doesn't ring the doorbell.... so something was afoot.
I walked to the door and opened it. Two strangers clothed in black stood smiling on the stoop. I knew they were not Mormon missionaries as there before me stood a woman and a man, and they were about 20 years past the Mormon missionary prime.
"Hello my name is Margo," said the woman with the faint hit of herpes simplex B on her upper lip. "This is my friend Chuck," she continued, motioning towards her gentleman friend who stood a few steps back with a fedora sitting jauntily on his head.
I am a polite so I said hello back and waited to hear the news that the world was coming to an end and how I needed to join a special elite club to pave my way to the kindgom of heaven. Much to my surprise however, Margo quickly launched into a well rehearsed speech documenting how the bible and science do not contradict. Chuck, the silent apprentice, watched Margo's performance with a simple smile while I stood thanking my lucky stars that I have never been afflicted with herpes simplex B. But my thoughts were disrupted when Margo asked me my opinion on whether the bible contradicts science or vice versa. I didn't really answer her question... instead I told her a little story about how when I was in cowtown hanging out with a bunch of prosties (note: protestants not prostitutes) I went to an open forum about evolution and christianity (true story...). Then I gave some ambiguous reference to people trying to achieve balance... so on and so forth. I should have just said that I had to go and feed my baby, since the child I was minding was shouting at the cat in the living room. But of course I didn't, because I will not claim that child as my own even with such intense pressure from the jehovahs.
Chuck tried to say something at this point, but Margo flashed him a look that said "Keep your mouth shut Chuck... you are a silent apprentice... nothing more!" Margo then reached into her bag and pulled out her literature that I found easier to accept rather than say no. And I can find use for it anyhow as newsprint is widely recognized in arson circles as a remarkable firestarter. But then Margo wanted to share a passage from her gold leaf bible with me. And still I resisted the pressure to say, "sorry dears... lovely stuff and all but I have to feed my child some lunch... there will be hell to pay if I don't do it soon.... oops, pardon my french... I forgot who I was talking to for a second." And then jokingly add, "Maybe you could take the boy off my hands... sometimes his father and I think he is the spawn of lucifer." If they asked my name I would say Rosemary and then I would bid them goodbye and shut the door with a devilish grin. But I'm no Mia Farrow so I listened to her little passage from the bible and once it was done bid Margo and Chuck a polite goodbye.
The entire experience, although not painful, could have been done without. It set me back in many ways... as not only did I relive my experience with the prosties but also I was just overcoming my addiction to arson and then they come and give me newsprint which they just know I will need to burn later. I would have much preferred had it been a pair of delicious mormonskis like the one played by the sexiful Steve Sandvoss in Latter Days. Then I could have tripped and cut my thigh on the outdoor water tap while wearing teeny tiny shorts... and the sexiest of the mormonskis would have to help me treat my wound which would initiate an illicit and tumultuous affair which would lead to excommunication from the mormon church but ultimately result in a happy reunion at a restaurant made over from an Elk's lodge... or something like that anyhow, I only watched the movie once. I think you get the picture though.
2 comments
You are right, I think that this is one of your best. The multiple references to things that are transpiring currently in your and my lives are well placed. I really enjoyed the newsprint diatribe. Dashing. You're a stellar writer and I have no concerns regarding whether or not you'll produce a phenomenal final 70% project; you will. Time for me to mark something. Talk to you soon. Ciao
ReplyDeleteWader
Oh, and funny thing. lat·i·tu·di·nar·i·an was my word of the day today in class.
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