I've been lying here for five minutes and all I can do is listen to the hum of the appliances and the hint of traffic on the street below. It's quiet in here, the light is very white, exaggerated by the colourless sky and the puffs of smoke coming from the apartment buildings in the distance. I can just catch a glimpse from my position on the bed. I pause to cough and I feel every bit the pitiful sight I must be. My hair is disheveled, my eyes are red, my skin sallow.

As usual I only seem to write when I am feeling most horrible, which must cause most people to think that I am a very depressing sort indeed. However, despite my somewhat miserable state I am not so unhappy as one might be led to believe. I'm happy to be back home with such easy access to my friends that I felt separated from for the past month while I was away. I'm happy to see the photo wall that Aryn finished while I was away. There is more of course, but every time I cough my mind pauses and I lose my train of thought. Perhaps it was not the best idea to attempt to write at the moment.

I seem to be going to through a pretty intense domestic revival these days (well, except for washing dishes and cleaning, those are things best left for my housekeeper/best handyman boyfriend in the world!). I seem to be more knit centric than anything, although I'm sure soon that I will be bringing out the sewing machine.

exploring the blues

It was kind of a dreary day in Toronto today. No sun to speak of... and cool, cool weather. But it is autumn and I had been spoiled over the past week with gorgeous hot days (almost too hot) back in etown. After the white bear woke from his slumber, we took to the streets to find some food and then pick up my lens rental. It was a bit too late for breakfast, so instead we went to a Vietnamese restaurant that we first visited last year. It used to be called Ginger, but they changed the name since then. Yes, we could have gone someplace different, but when I'm hungry I'm usually not in much mood for trying something new unless I have some sort of recommendation to go on. The food was cheap, filling, and best of all was prepared extremely quickly. Points all around. We then wandered down Yonge Street until we reached Queen, and we hopped on the streetcar to take us to the camera shop. I don't know what it is about streetcars, but Aryn and I both commented on how much friendlier they seem to be than either buses or lrt/subway cars. The streetcar is always a fun way to travel and get a glimpse of the city. The rails run closer to the centre of the road than a bus would normally travel, so it is easier to look at the shops and houses that line the streets. Of course it helps to be traveling down an interesting street like Queen, which has a delightful mix of commercial frontage and charming residential units. Sure some of them are a little raggedy or looking a bit worn, but that's all part of the appeal I think.

The camera shop took over four floors of an old brick building. When you entered the store there was a spiral staircase that curved upwards towards a large skylight. It was lit at various spots on the way up with photo umbrellas (nice touch). Despite the cool location the customer service was completely lacking. I stood around for nearly ten minutes while the girl behind the counter had a conversation with some customer (except he wasn't buying anything) about what they both thought about the new 5D and other various camera talk. I wouldn't have minded waiting so much, except they were clearly done whatever business needed to be done and had moved on to a more casual conversation. Anyhow, very lame. But I did get to rent the 16-35mm f2.8L for the evening (fast and wide, just what I want... Wade, I won't forget that you are buying the 17-40 from me when I upgrade) and I got a replacement eyecup for my viewfinder. After we left the store (after I paused to photograph the spiral staircase), we saw a sign for an open house for a property across the street and we decided to check it out. As we were crossing the street we heard some frantic honking and turned to see our friends Carina and Peter stopped at the intersection we were crossing. It was pretty funny to run into them, especially considering the size of Toronto. We stopped and chatted for a few minutes, made some plans to meet up later tonight. Aryn and I decided to skip the open house (the house ended up looking a little disappointing from the outside) and instead hopped back on the streetcar to High Park. One of my favourite things about visiting new cities is to go stroll through different residential neighbourhoods and imagine what it would be like to live there. I've always wanted to visit the High Park area, both the homes and the park itself, but I must admit what I saw this afternoon was a little disappointing. Although, turns out we didn't actually walk through High Park, but instead had walked through Parkside. We figured this out once we stopped for some hot chocolate at a random coffee shop, but by then it was getting late and we needed to head back to Hotel Xarina so that A.boy could get some naptime in. So, once again my visit to High Park is postponed. I have a feeling though that I won't like it as much as the more urban neighbourhoods that we visited during our last trip to Toronto, or as much as the houses in the Beaches. But, I won't know until I actually get to see the houses with my own two damaged eyes.

Now I'm just sitting here listening to the traffic on the street below. The apartment is a little chilly, but that's because we don't have the heat on. Our friends will be meeting us soon, as well as my cousin. We're going to find someplace interesting for dinner and then figure out what exhibits we are going to see tonight. I'm really excited. I've been looking forward to this for months and although I am not feeling that great it's only one night and I can rest once I get back home. I didn't bring my card reader or usb cable for my camera with me so I can't upload any of the photos I took today. I'll have to process everything when I get back.

I have just realized that I forgot Wade's monopod at home. Good thing I am renting a fast lens for this evening. It's almost one o'clock here and Aryn is still in the process of waking up. He's had a busy week preparing for Edmonton's Ride Share week (carpool.ca, look it up) and needs his rest now so that he will be able to last the evening strolling around the various exhibits/installations tonight. We'll probably head out soon, leave our friend's third storey walkup on Yonge, visit the camera shop to pick up my lens and pick up a few camera related items (perhaps maybe a new eyecup to replace the one I lost at the film festival the other night) and look for some cheap toques and gloves because it is rather chilly here and we both forgot to grab those particular items from the box marked inclement weather wear on our way out the door. What were we thinking? We weren't.

The first time I visited Toronto I didn't much appreciate it. I wasn't feeling very good at the time (which is sort of like now, I feel a cold coming on), and I was overwhelmed by the size of the buildings and the amount of people. Mind you I hadn't spent much time in cities at that point and the only part I visited happened to be an extremely busy stretch in front of three downtown hospitals and then a new apartment complex that seemed very unfriendly. I will admit that my outlook has changed greatly in these past ten years, especially after A. and I visited Toronto last year and explored many of the different communities within the city's core. I like the city because of it's mix of old and new. Edmonton has a completely different aesthetic. I like Toronto's row houses, the mix of crumbly old brick buildings with steel towers. There are real layers here. One thing though, I don't have any desire to drive here (but I don't really have that desire in Edmonton either).

Oh, I think the white bear is about to come out of hibernation now. Now to take to the streets.

So today at the airport I was randomly chosen for a search (oh lucky me) which included a ridiculous body pat down, preceded with the question, "are there any parts of your body where you have recently had surgery or are feeling tender?" This "random" search also included the patting down of my hair. I know my hair can be quite voluminous at times, but honestly what could I have hidden in there?

I must get some sleep already. It's early morning here in Toronto and I need to get some sleep so that tomorrow I will have lots of energy to explore the cool exhibits at Nuit Blanche. Even though this will be a very whirlwind trip it feels good to be in a big city again. I'm more equipped photographically this time. Now if only the wireless connection would hold steady long enough for me to post this.

Ever read something and not recognize yourself in it? I was looking through some old papers this morning and I came across this introduction to a paper I wrote a few years ago.

One may suggest that there is something hypocritical in the idea of the globalization of the anti-globalism movement. Does it not seem contrary to the movement itself to unify or create a global anti-globalism movement? So many of the connotations of globalization, inherent in the increase of media conglomerates and mega-corporations, seem to suggest that globalization equals sameness and integration of ideals. In this frame of understanding, altering the current path of globalization (or in terms of 80s pop lyrics Stop the World) would mean that the smaller anti-globalism groups must assimilate (again in terms of 80s pop lyrics Melt with You) into their own mega-movement. But there is a flaw in this “I’ll Stop the World and Melt with You” anthem. Globalization in its current form, imbued with neoliberal values, is not the only option. There are other alternatives, and the anti-globalism movement is not forced to combine efforts as one faceless movement, a melted anti-globalism army, in order to revise the future of globalization.

Where is that girl now?

I spent the morning by the river today. I don't get to spend nearly enough time there. It's a very calming place and when I visit there I feel like I am removed from the rest of the city. I need to make a conscious effort to go there more often.

my housekeeper comes back from his conference today, which means I have to make the house presentable for his return. Otherwise he will wonder what I have been up to for the past week. Ordinarily I have no patience for housework and will always do it grudgingly. However, since my studio is now a live and work situation and I can use tidying up as a procrastination technique (and also as a much needed break from lengthy article reviews). In fact this entire week I've actually enjoyed a little Mary Poppins type tidyup. Clothes have been flying across the room and folding themselves. My camera equipment has marched itself back to the camera cabinet, the dishes have washed and stacked themselves. Which makes me think a little... Disney always seems to fantasize the cleaning process, besides Mary Poppins think of The Sword in the Stone or Sorcerer's Apprentice. This must have a lot to do with my dislike of housekeeping.

My course went live last night and I am back on the academic train. I plan to spend the remainder of the year immersed in research. I am very excited. It is such a relief to only have to concentrate on school now, instead of balancing both work and studies. I have found that I really dislike having to work and study at the same time. I don't know how other people do it so effectively. It's not as if I had a job where I was being paid merely to be a physical presence behind a desk. I had obligations and responsibilities. The first few weeks of any new course I was always rather diligent, but eventually work would take over and school would get pushed to the side. Well no more.

When I first started blogging back in 2004 it was sort of an experiment to see how this tool might affect how I approached learning and research. Setting up my own blog was a way of immersing myself in the content of a my then current research paper (I was writing about the impacts of blogging on the academic community). Academic research has typically been cloaked in secrecy. This makes sense when people gain recognition from their ideas and it can be the race to be the first to publish about a certain new concept. Then of course there is also the issue of plagiarism. However, I was interested to see how academics blogging about their research or their experiences was shaping the educational community. I started university before the whole wikipedia craze took hold and finding information online was still a bit of a crapshoot. So it's been amazing to see how rapidly the initial approach to research has changed. Although I still have to refer to journals and books for the bulk of my research, I am also able to find additional perspectives (albeit a little less formal) from these same authors from their blogs or websites. It could be the content that I'm researching (I'm a communications scholar after all), but it seems that people are more willing to share information, share about their struggles, and give hints about new topics of research or projects. People are still conscious of keeping some ideas to themselves, because there is that risk of revealing too much. There just seems to be more openness when it comes to sharing information. And for someone who has to engage with her academic community with next to no face-to-face contact, it is very refreshing.

Knowing the challenges I have faced with feeling to distanced from school and then getting depressed (or the other way around), I'm trying to use this space to keep myself active and immersed in my studies. It helps me to write about it. This is part of the reason why I resigned from my job, so I had no excuses that work was taking up too much of my time. I will be focused on one thing, finishing off these last courses. Now I have the freedom to approach them in whatever manner I think is best. What an exciting prospect.