So my last post was supposed to be a reflection on perceptions of self confidence but I couldn't seem to translate the thoughts from my head to written form. So I'm writing another post to sort of bury the last one where I was wallowing in my own self pity. But not really, since I'm referring to it in this post.

Although my current living arrangements are a bit on the 'prixy' side... I really couldn't imagine living anywhere else at the moment. This has been my home for the past two years and I wasn't about to give it up. I thought it would be a lot harder to transition to living in this space by myself. I was worried there would be a lot of memories floating around, but oddly enough there aren't. Maybe it's the white. The walls are like a blank canvas. The white always looks fresh and new. It has no memory yet.

These days it is difficult for me to tell the difference between physical tiredness and emotional tiredness. I'm just exhausted. Everything is a chore. I don't even have the energy to sit at my desk to type this [editor's note: it has taken me all afternoon to type this part paragraph]. Knowing that I've been feeling more lethargic than usual I took my blood cells in for their annual spin to check and see if my reds are playing nice with my whites. Waiting to hear news of the results. The trouble is that I've been dealing with everything else at the same time. Waiting to hear back from the doctor, waiting to hear back from work, adjusting to my new role as Han Solo... Let's just say, life is a regular laugh riot.

But who am I kidding? Of course I'm physically tired. I can barely concentrate on this little task and let me tell you, drafting up job applications when I feel like this is not very pleasant. This leaves me in a bit of chicken and egg situation. Perhaps the physical tiredness came first, but then add a bit of emotional turmoil/stress, which of course serves only to exacerbate the situation. Life becomes a layer cake of fatigue, one tired layer upon another with a smidge of stress to keep it all together.

This is not really the direction I was planning to take this post... it wasn't supposed to be a woe is me sort of affair. But I really am super tired and I think it's clouding my head a bit. I would really like to not be so tired and get back a little bit of mental clarity. Green leafy vegetables, red meat, iron supplements, rest... they're just not doing the trick this time. Maybe my health practitioner will have some news for me.

If you feel like cheering me up and you aren't around to provide me with moral support, you can always give the gift of flickr. My pro account expires in a couple weeks (on Sept. 9th to be exact) and it would be one gift that you can be sure that I will like and use daily.

The oft quoted line from Shakespeare tells us that we're merely players in the stage production we call life. And life, as we know it, tends to mix the tragedy and the comedy. Currently my life is that wickedly humourous blend of both and I know that in order to get through it I need to embrace the comedic elements and (to use more cliche references, but this time corporate references) just power through.

And that's what I'm doing. But at the same time I feel stalled, my own motivation is only getting me so far. I'm waiting for response about a potential awesome work contract, I'm waiting for results about my iron levels, I'm waiting for other things to stop. It's all very frustrating but there is nothing different than I can do. In my last couple days at work one of my coworkers mentioned to me that I seemed awfully calm about not knowing what was happening with my new contract. But really, what can I do? I developed an awesome project from scratch and brought it to the point where it was ready to launch (talk about turn-key solution), I let the appropriate people know the details of my situation, I help to present about the project and help secure approval for it. Basically I got everything to the point where things where the final decision was out of my hands. And now I wait. Sure it is a constant roller-coaster of feeling hopeful and then utterly dejected. But that's how any job hunt is. If it happens, it happens. I will continue to remind the powers that be that I exist, but I will also continue to look for something else because I can't wait around forever, even if this opportunity looks perfect on paper. Paper is not real (unless that piece of paper is a contract to sign).

Meh... perhaps I need an outlet to vent my frustrations today. Everything is just piling up all at once and I just wish I could eliminate at least one item of uncertainty. That isn't so much to ask is it?

Oh well, at least if I am not inwardly calm I can appear so on the outside. My one consolation is that I have been on a real creative streak and I've been very happy with the photos I've taken recently. I feel like my summer has been well documented and that I've been appreciating the beauty of the ordinary a lot more than usual. But I don't want to be that kind of tortured artist, one who is only inspired when life is at its dullest.

And suddenly it's the middle of August and I realize that summer is about to disappear but there's still so much more that I want to do. Why is it that this season is fleeting when winter seems to last forever?

I really can't complain though. As far as summers go this has been a pretty lovely one. I've spent time doing all the things one should do in the summer, lazing about with friends, escaping the city for a visit to the coast and spending the long weekend at the lake.

Scored two free passes to folk fest tonight, so Alessandra and I are off to Gallagher Park for the night.

Today has turned out to be not half bad.

I've been 27 for one month today. It's been a month of adjusting to new routines and dealing with new challenges. But it hasn't been so bad. I have lovely friends who don't mind me being the third wheel. In fact, they strongly encourage it. I must be entertaining.

I went for a little camping trip to Slave Lake over the long weekend. It was a fabulous break from the city. I'm not feeling particularly articulate at the moment, so here's a little slideshow instead.