I'm the first to admit that I don't have a knack for running my own business. It just doesn't interest me. I had toyed with having a photography business, but so far I haven't done accomplished anything successfully. It's my own fault really... I let myself become distracted by being depressed or tired and let things fall to the wayside. In an effort to not be so depressed and tired I told myself that I would only use photography as something that could make me happy, which meant shooting entirely for myself. Very occasionally I am convinced otherwise though... usually when my life is feeling a bit more balanced and the prospective shoot is a lot of fun. A few weeks ago a former coworker contacted me on flickr and asked if I wanted to help out his younger sister who had made it through the first round of Alberta's Next Top Model competition and needed a few shots for the second set of auditions. Obviously, as you can see from the photo above it was a request that I found hard to refuse.
I'm continually torn between my current choice of keeping my photography habit casual and my desire to pursue things professionally. I know that I cannot work full-time and try to make money from photos at the same time, because I quickly exhaust myself and then everyone suffers. I also can't quit my job and take pictures full-time because I won't make enough to live on and then I will suffer. However, I am in a unique position in my current job where I have the opportunity to combine work and my love for photos. It's the reason why I took this job, and it's the one thing that motivates me right now. I just have to stick with it and eventually I might be taking photos even more frequently than I am now.
My coworker taught me a persian saying the other day... only the first hundred years are tough... it's so true. We remind each other nearly every day. Life is difficult, there's no way to avoid it.
I've realized my moods are like a summer thunder shower. They're intense and short. I suppose I should clarify that I mean my good moods. Sometimes I can tell they're approaching and ready myself, but most of the time they come from nowhere and by the time people are ready for it my excitement is over. Sounds a bit pathetic but it's true.
There are times when the weekend rolls seamlessly into the week. We return to work feeling refreshed and revitalized. It's a brand new week. However, there are other times when we find ourselves back at a desk and it seems like we've never left. The world has a funny way of reminding us that things don't change much when we're away. My coworker for example, she was away for a week on the BC Coast and had all but forgotten about the daily stresses of the workplace. However, when she put on the stereo in the car this morning, the exact same song that she was listening to on the way home from work on her last day before vacation came on. It was as if she had never left. This is really not that amazing, considering it was a track on a cd that she was listening to, and her stereo will automatically start where it left off. At the same time though, it can be slightly disconcerting... an unwelcome welcome back.
If you've spent anytime on my photostream lately, you may have noticed an increase in the number of diptychs I've been posting. I haven't been shooting with diptychs in mind, but when I've been processing my images I've found that alone the images do not convey as much of the story I want to tell. I also like how the juxtaposition of two images can actually make two weak images more visually appealing just through comparison and relation. It's fascinating really. Perhaps it's fascinating only to me because I know the larger context of the images. I can recall the feeling and mood of the room when the images were taken. At least initially I can. Photographs take on a life of their own once you view them in isolation. They can start to suggest a different story, particularly when you place them next to another image.
if only I could survive off of letting other people see what I see.
I stayed at home today... not in the mood to talk to anyone or really do anything. The first bit of conversation after a day alone is always the strangest. Hearing words spoken by someone else isn't as odd as hearing the words that you are saying. You've spent your entire day listening to other sounds. Your only contribution has been to breathe, chew, swallow. Your own voice becomes foreign, and when you finally speak, you kind of miss the silence. I don't think I could live like this for very long. Eventually I might forget how to speak.
A few more days wouldn't be so bad though. If the rain were to keep up and I had an endless supply of books and movies I might be inclined. Although I love to sit and listen to the sounds of the street below, it's hardly something that captures my attention for an entire day. I wish my apartment would stay the same, but the scenery would move past me slowly, as if it were on a moving sidewalk. Sunny days would be a different story... I don't need the sidewalk to move for me, just a sidewalk that I can move on.
